Posted by: ubahleeob | April 26, 2008

Depression, Dreams and Doubts











I have been dealing with a bit of depression as of late. Don’t jump on me, I know Christians aren’t to be depressed. Sorry, still human. 

I can’t really explain it.  Things are going fairly well. No money woes, my wife still loves me, my kids are cool.  Yet, still that cloudy, gnawing feeling persists.  Maybe it’s the dream thing finally catching up with me.

Nearly two years ago we made a rather large life change to follow a dream. Those were heady times.  We were going to change the world. We were living on the edge, face to the wind. It was scary and exhilarating all at once. Now, those with whom we were partnered have drifted away, the inertia of life taking them in different directions.  Now we are  living in a town where we have no connections, no friends, no real reason to be.  What do you do when something you invested time, money, hopes and prayers into seems to have died?

So here I am, feeling trapped in a job I hate, in a place I don’t belong.  A stranger in a strange land. And yet I know that God is not absent. I know that God has a plan, a purpose for all of this. Of course, I have been listening to Switchfoot for days on Rhapsody, that doesn’t help.  All of this  “I dare you to move” and “This is your life” stuff can really get you thinking, and thinking is what got this whole thing started in the first place.

I know this as well;  over the past three months I have felt a change. I have come to some understandings about things.  I have seen what I always believed change, for the better — but change is never easy. Perhaps that’s it,  a breaking away  if you will.  

Maybe it is more grief that I am feeling than depression. Not  grief over making a bad choice. I feel we chose the correct path, but grief over a dream unfulfilled, a chance missed, friends misplaced. 

It was a good dream.  




  1. One of the things I struggle with the most is letting Gods plan play out, and not letting my impatience distract me. I understand so clearly what you are talking about. There are so many times I wonder if I have made correct decisions. I will be praying for you brother, and I hope that God relieves that trapped feeling for you and reveals His plan for you and your family.

  2. that last response was from the Jim half of jimhearthelen. God Bless.

  3. Thanks for the kind words, and prayer is always excepted!! I’m better now. In the words of that great prophet Kenny Rogers, “you gotta know when to hold’em and know when to fold’em”. Peace-Ubah

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