Don’t you just love Saturday mornings?  It’s 7ish, I am sitting here with a great cup of coffee listening to the new Coldplay album.  The wife and kids are at the grandparents, so the neighbors are also listening to Coldplay.   if you haven’t heard the record (if you are under 30 call a parent or ask an older friend about this thing called a record) it is really, really good.  Good like a quad shot cappuccino at Starbucks is good, like a conversation with a good friend is good, like that kiss from your beloved after a hard day is good (well, maybe not that good), but it is really good.  Ok, enough about Coldplay.

So back to Saturday mornings, I love them.  The weekend is full of the  promise of two days of well, whatever.  Sundays are cool too, but they are closer to Monday so they are less fun, by association. 

I was sitting here on this Saturday just letting my thoughts wander.  Where I live they have a fundraising raffle for St. Jude’s Hospital every year. Companies get together, build and furnish a house, the public buys raffle tickets for $100 each (all goes to the hospital), and then one lucky someone wins the house.  This years house is valued at $650k, without the furnishings.  Pretty cool huh?  

ANYWAY, the TV station that helps sponsor the raffle has been running lots of human interest pieces about the great work that St. Jude’s does and one story really hit me.  They were interviewing a mom who’s little boy had some horrible form of leukemia. One week he was fine, the next he was dying.  She made this comment, “I have always thought myself to be a Christian, I believed and all. But these last few months I have really been eyeball to eyeball with God.”   

Eyeball to eyeball with God.  What a picture.  So why do we wait for something horrible in life to happen before we get that close to God?  If God is loving, kind, forgiving, willing to put up with my junk (that is “longsuffering” for all of the KJV lovers out there), and the creator of all that ever has been,  then why do we treat him like the friend we don’t really want around unless we need a ride to work or help moving? I don’t know,  but I would love to read your thoughts.  

HOWEVER– if you are going to tell me that there isn’t a God, how dumb I am for believing etc, etc, etc, this is not the topic for that discussion.  On second thought, answer away– if I am about anything it is honest thoughts and discussions. I really am, no kidding, ask anyone.

Well  my oversized Starbucks mug is empty, Chris and the boys have sung the last tune, and it’s time to go. It’s time to get on with my Saturday.  The second pot of java awaits.

peace

 

 

 

 

Sorry gang, kinda sad tonight.  I have been  trolling the tag surfer for the past few hours and it has really given  me a case of the  blues.  I have spent most of the evening  reading a lot of blogs by “former” Christians.  It’s really amazing how many of these type blogs there are, maybe it shouldn’t be.     Also, the level of their thought and writing is really,  for the most part, great. Witty, scathing, critical, funny — most of these blogs are top shelf. 

You know, I could have been one of them, except in my de-evolution I have never given up on Christ.   Oh, in my day I was guilty of wearing the Big Christian Hat, spouting all the blather that we Christians spout. Then the change came, the “horizon event” that caused me to re-think all that I had ever believed. Most of what I had held onto as truth bit the dust,  but I never gave up on Jesus, or maybe he never gave up on me (probably closer to the truth). 

Still it makes me sad.   Most of these writers seem to have spent a substantial part of their lives “in the faith” and  then something happened that caused them to walk away. Some of them point to “the event”, for others it took some time.  Still all came to the same conclusion — I have questions and Christianity doesn’t have the answers.  Wow, what an indictment.

 I know what some of you might be thinking, “well the Bible says it’s better to have never known Jesus than to know him and walk away.”  I know, but I am sorry, I can’t give up that easily.  It’s a personality issue thing with me, never have been good at giving up. You can help Judas adjust his rope, I just can’t. 

I wish  I could tell them all that it’s ok to have questions.  It’s ok not to understand everything.  It’s ok to have doubts.  God is up to the questions, he is up to the doubt.  Don’t think you are the first to be honest with him. Honesty is one thing he craves (I think).  It’s ok to scream, cry, and throw things.  It’s ok. 

Still it’s sad to lose your faith and replace it with what,  science or your own intellect?  Now that is really sad.  Maybe that’s why I never let go. I can’t help it, I have to believe that the creator of everything from time to termites cares about my doubts, my cries, my anger, my confusion, my fears — he cares about silly, messed up me.  I can’t help it, like Michael Been(of The Call– what a great band)  said, “I still believe”. 

Still,  I’m a little sad tonight, but it’s ok.  

Peace

 

Sorry that it’s been a while. Since my last post I have quit one job, spent a wonderful week in the most beautiful place on Earth (Panama City), got to visit with the coolest church community (Eastgate Fellowship in Panama City), and I have started the new job.  I probably would have blogged from PCB, but the condo we rented didn’t have internet, and I couldn’t drag myself away from the beach to blog at a coffee shop. IT WAS JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL!

Being in Florida last week just made us (the wife and I) more sure that we want to relocate to the county by the Bay.  We absolutely love Eastgate.  Being there was almost painful. I know that sounds funny, but there was this internal draw to get involved in what they are doing; and yet knowing that we had to go home. And there is reality, looking to punish you with “the facts”.  Plus, we just love the area.  How could you not?????

Well, I am off on my first trip to California next week.  As Missing Person’s put it, I’ll be “Walking in LA”.  Got school for the new job.  Only a mile or so from Manhattan Beach.  Can’t wait to blog from the land of Arnold.  

Peace

 

I just got through watching the video for Switchfoot’s new tune (from Prince Caspian), This is Home. As with lot’s of the stuff the boys from San Diego release, it left me deep in thought.  … This is home, I finally found were I belong….  Kinda sounds like the the b-side of  I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.

 But here, in these two songs, is the sum of most of our issues as a species.  We were created for something else, for a land far away. Most of us spend our lives looking to find our way back “home”.  Sadly, many bet all they have on the facade of home, for a promise,  only to have that facade fade, that promise wiped away by the realities of life.   

But I think both are right, both Bono and Jon Foreman.  I still haven’t found what I’m looking for; there is a dissatisfaction that I feel down to my bones, a voice in my mind that shouts “Is this all there is?”.   A voice that says, “I want to do more with my life than eat, work, sleep and repeat. I want to really live..”

But then, I have found my home.  Home in a relationship with the creator of  all that is, home in the love and care of the finest woman Illinois ever produced, home when I sit and stare at the vast,  wondrous  beauty that is the  Gulf of Mexico.  That is the struggle.  That is the paradox. I haven’t found it, but I know where it is.

This is home.

 

 

 

Ok, I admit it.  I love Mat Kearney. Most have heard Mat, especially thanks to a certain TV doctor show, but I have been listening to him for a couple of years now. His album was  orignally released on a Christian label, and the Christian world really didn’t know what to do with ole Mat.  You can’t really identify what his music is; is it alternative (yes), is it folk (maybe), is it rap (kinda), is it  cool (oh yeah) plus what’s the deal with spelling of his name?  Where’s the other “T”?  To be different in the Christian Music world is to be, well, not in the Christian Music biz very long.  But that is another rant……

One of my favorite lines penned by Senor Kearney is from the song Nothing Left To Lose,  and it says,

 And I found myself in a bitter fight 

While I’ve held your hand through the darkest night 

Don’t know where you’re coming from but you’re coming soon 

 

Everyday is full of fights, some bitter some not. I just love the picture painted by these words, can’t you see it … “Lord, I am really taking a beating here, but I know you’re coming — I really don’t know from where or how or even when– I just know you’re on your way.”   Granted, it’s not the best “faith confession”, that’s why I love it — it’s so real, so honest, so me.  

So thanks Mat, thanks a bunch.

On Monday I start over, sort of.  The past few months have been months of change for me. I guess we are always changing, but sometimes you seem to notice and sometimes you don’t (until you try on those shorts that fit last summer, and now well, don’t).  On Monday, the changes continue.  

On Monday I will let my employer know that I will be moving on, moving out, moving on up (not to the eastside, but a lot closer to home). Of course there is the concern about how they will react. I have given my best in the time I have been with them, but it was time. The distance and demands of the job had begun to wear on me. The job had required that I give up lot’s of things that I love.  I was willing to make the trade off in the beginning, unemployment has a way of re-aligning your priorities.  However, the longer the job went on, the more I missed those things.  I could feel the change, you can actually feel it sometimes. 

So I will be starting a new job, with all of the questions and concerns and questions that new jobs and new responsibilities bring. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit apprehensive, actually more than a bit.   While the job is in the same career field, it is different and dear old John will be “boldly going where this John has never gone before.”  My apologies to Gene Roddenberry.

I heard a friend say the other day that in life “we ride the wave.  Or more correctly, the wave let’s us ride it.”  I like that.  I think that too many times we forget that we are followers of Christ and not the other way around.   I like the picture of God as a wave. I can hear him,” Come on, what are you waiting on, this might be the ride you have always dreamed of. This could be the one they talk about forever.”  Hey, if God can talk from a bush, he surely can talk through the waves!

For many years I thought of the plan of God as very linear, a line through time.  If you every missed a turn, oh well too bad for you. Or maybe there were three plans, the good (that’s the bronze), the acceptable (oh, that’s the silver) and the perfect (yep, gold medal time). Huh??    I am not trying to over simplify this but, I really think life is more like surfing.  So what if you crash and burn, find your board ’cause here comes another wave.  Part of learning to surf (or live) is crashing and burning. I call it “John’s Doctrine of Learning Through Screwing Up.” As Tracy Bonham says, “whether you fall, it means nothing at all, it’s whether you get up….”. 

Grab a board, surf’s up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote last week about a bit of depression that I was experiencing. It is funny isn’t it? I have been a follower of Christ for nearly my entire life, four and 1/2 decades, and still I doubt, still things really get to me, still I question.

But I have come to this profound conclusion, there is nothing really wrong with me. Too often I think we believe that the change Jesus offers us also changes our DNA. We are now somehow above the fray (really good band, can’t wait for the next album!). Yet, the Bible is FULL of accounts where honest, hard working, God loving people doubted, got the blues, and questioned their dreams. That is what gives me hope. No, no I say … that is what makes me happy.

We all have heard about the mighty cloud of witnesses that surround us. You wanna know a secret? THEY WERE ALL SCREW-UPS JUST LIKE YOU AND ME. What made them “mighty” wasn’t what they had, it was actually in what they didn’t have. It’s that “when I am weak, then I am strong” thing. You want to talk about miracles, there’s one. Do we really think that Jesus didn’t get bummed, didn’t get tired, didn’t get frustrated? If he didn’t he wasn’t human.

So this dream I thought had died, I have let it out of the grave. Who am I to declare it’s demise? Who am I to dictate how and when it must come to pass. I don’t have the power to design how it looks or acts.

And the friends that I thought I had misplaced, I saw a couple of them last night. Ya know what? Their lives are just as busy as mine. We talked for a few minutes and I remembered why I love’em. I still miss them. I wish things were like they once were (and so does Starbucks. Our lack of contact–which often occurred at our local ‘Bucks–might be one reason SBux’s is have the financial troubles that they are), but I still really love’em.

So today, on this cloudy, windy (when isn’t it windy here in middle Tennessee — you would think we lived in Kansas), soon to be rainy Friday, I am a bit more content, a bit more convinced that yesterday really is wrinkle on your forehead and today is all I’ll ever really have (thank you Jon Foreman). The rest (happily) is up to God.

I have just finished watching the soon to be released movie, Lord, Save Us From Your Followers, by Dan Merchant. Merchant has also published a book by the same name.  I had read the book and was intrigued by Dan’s take.  I was admittedly worried when I first bought the book. It seems that the new fad in Christian bookdom is to pen works that tell the church why the culture thinks  Jesus is cool, but the church is not.I think we kinda know that already.  And yes, the film and the book do hang out on the same block as other books like Dan Kimball’s “They Like Jesus…” but  somehow I think Merchant takes it further. 

“Save Us “is  clever, convicting, and most of all, conversational. Starting conversation is  THE theme of the movie. The film ends with these words over a black screen, “The Conversation Starts Now.”  I really liked that. How the world would change if we did more talking with and less talking to. That’s the only way we can ever find out the other person’s story; and everyone has a story.

Honestly, this is probably the brightest  Christian-type film I have ever seen. Most Jesus movies are poorly acted, poorly produced, dreadfully written, end time scarefests. “Save Us” is witty, topical, and engaging. 

 And yes, it is convicting. I cried for the last thirty minutes and it takes a lot to get me to cry.  

The film releases sometime in June, but for a mere $6.99 you can access it via the wonders of the worldwide web. If you’re not sure, the web site also includes clips and there are all sorts of clips on Youtube. 

Be forewarned, you are likely to be offended, if you are the offend-able type. The movie does a great job of pushing most of our religious buttons. Buttons that needed pushing a long, long time ago,  if you ask me.  So strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.  Like the movie says, “The Conversation Starts Now”.

http://lordsaveusthemovie.com/

Wow, do I feel dumb.  I just got through listening to a talk on the final verses of Mark 11; the part where Jesus cleanses the Temple, kills a defenseless fig tree, and talks about moving mountains.  In the span of 50 minutes, everything I had ever thought about those passages was called into question.  To make things worse, that would make everything I had always believed (probably) wrong.  And I don’t like being wrong. (kinda odd for a guy that has perfected the art of being wrong, what can I say — I have issues)

Anyway, this has gotten me to thinking.  How much other stuff  have I put my faith in that will also prove to be wrong?  How many other things have I  taught  that will prove to be incorrect.? How much deeper does the rabbit hole go….How many more must die?????  OK, getting a bit carried away here, but you get my point.  

If not, here it is in a nutshell.  We westerners have applied western understanding to a book that was written for folks that didn’t drive Fords or Chevy’s, had never heard of the Cowboys or the Yankees, or who had ever had the  (dis)pleasure of eating a HotPocket.  We read a Biblical account and immediately think we understand what it means.  “Gosh golly, it said it, so I believe it.” I understand, but things are not always they seem. 

The belief shattering  talk I mentioned at the beginning began with a really funny Ameriquest investment video.  I would have loved to have embedded it here, but I can’t seem to master that process. I worked on million dollar fighter jets, but this stymies me.  Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEJ6HBHjt1g.

As you can see, seeing is not always believing. And that is part of the problem for us as we follow Jesus.  I have read those that blast guys like Rob Bell for trying to bring some context to the Bible.  I really don’t understand the problem.  To me it is the difference in seeing a story on a flannel graph versus seeing it in 3-D.   What are they afraid of?   I guess I am more like Dr. Johnny Fever (of WKRP fame), “give it to me straight Doctor, I can take it.”  

 I am finding that for years that hasn’t been the case. I have been told what sounded logical, context be damned. I have been fed what was more expedient for the feeder than for myself. I am beginning to understand the power of saying, “Jesus, I don’t understand this at all.” I am learning that things are not always as they appear. And I am liking the difference.

I am liking the difference a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been dealing with a bit of depression as of late. Don’t jump on me, I know Christians aren’t to be depressed. Sorry, still human. 

I can’t really explain it.  Things are going fairly well. No money woes, my wife still loves me, my kids are cool.  Yet, still that cloudy, gnawing feeling persists.  Maybe it’s the dream thing finally catching up with me.

Nearly two years ago we made a rather large life change to follow a dream. Those were heady times.  We were going to change the world. We were living on the edge, face to the wind. It was scary and exhilarating all at once. Now, those with whom we were partnered have drifted away, the inertia of life taking them in different directions.  Now we are  living in a town where we have no connections, no friends, no real reason to be.  What do you do when something you invested time, money, hopes and prayers into seems to have died?

So here I am, feeling trapped in a job I hate, in a place I don’t belong.  A stranger in a strange land. And yet I know that God is not absent. I know that God has a plan, a purpose for all of this. Of course, I have been listening to Switchfoot for days on Rhapsody, that doesn’t help.  All of this  ”I dare you to move” and “This is your life” stuff can really get you thinking, and thinking is what got this whole thing started in the first place.

I know this as well;  over the past three months I have felt a change. I have come to some understandings about things.  I have seen what I always believed change, for the better — but change is never easy. Perhaps that’s it,  a breaking away  if you will.  

Maybe it is more grief that I am feeling than depression. Not  grief over making a bad choice. I feel we chose the correct path, but grief over a dream unfulfilled, a chance missed, friends misplaced. 

It was a good dream.