Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. Sorry for the prolonged absence. In the words of Jackie Gleason, “So away we go…..”

Wow, what a difference a few months make.  In the past months we have completed our long discussed move to the Emerald Coast of Florida, to the World’s Most Beautiful Beaches, to the Redneck Rivera — Panama City Beach.  And as it happens with most journeys, this one had it’s own special ups and it’s own special downs.  Yet and still, God was God and we now live a block from The Beach.  It’s a five minute walk from front door to wet feet.  You have to love that  So what’s the problem?  As of late I have really felt, well …. lost.  Maybe lost is the wrong word, perhaps “out of sorts” explains it better.

As a drummer I know a lot about being out of sorts.  For those of you non- musical types, for all of the loudness and bravado and the endless (useless) drum solos every used to assault music listeners,  drummers have basically one purpose in a band — they keep everyone together.  Being out of sorts is something we don’t do. We are  order.  As the old drummers used to say, “it’s all about keeping it on the 2 and 4.”  It’s a feeling.  We drummers call it being in the groove, or in the pocket — we know when we are there and we know when we aren’t.  And lately, we ain’t there.

Granted, everything here  is new.  New job, new place to live, trying to start new relationships.  So I guess a groove might be harder to find, the song is new (to keep the musical metaphor going), but yet and still — this is new territory for me and for some reason I am really having “issues” finding the beat.  And it’s really starting to bug me.

So what do you do?  I’ve found over the years that the worst thing I can do is trying to force the groove.    As with most musicians, there have been times when  in the middle of a tune I thought, “something isn’t right  here”.  Oh you can try and find “it” — but usually with inconsistent results.  It’s funny, when I concentrate on the beat, really focus on keeping the meter right — I tend to play like a box with arms.  No feeling, no passion — just “boom, chick, boom, chick.”  That’s great if you are a drum machine, but not so good for anything else.  Maybe that’s what’s happening now.  In my intense desire to find out what God is doing, where God is leading I’ve lost sight of the bigger picture, I can’t hear the music for trying to listen for the click.

Sadly,  there really isn’t a single answer.  For many of us, that’s a shock.  We love knowing the answer. But God in his mysterious wisdom seems to  frustrate us  when we try to drill down our journey with him into a single set of easy answers.   God often reminds me of a piano player I used to play with.  This guy was famous (or infamous) for saying, “ok – here we go, it’s in E (or D or C or whatever key he felt like playing)  just follow me” and he’d take off playing something none of us had ever heard before.  God seems a lot like that. The master creator, weaving point and counterpoint, melody and harmony  into a song that would have  Handel in tears, Bach gasping in amazement , and have Dave Matthews looking for a new line of work. All  you can do is try to keep up and watch him for the changes.

I took this picture four or five years ago.  It is one of many plaques that surround a fountain at Baytowne Wharf  in the  Sandestin Beach Resort.  I remember the day I took this.  It was actually the day we were leaving.  We had just eaten breakfast at Another Broken Egg and the fountain got my attention.  I remember actually saying a little prayer under my breath,  something like, “Lord, I really want to live here.  I want to return to the days of my youth.”

You have to understand, my love of things Floridian does not come from some misplaced vacation lust. Generations of my family have called Northwest Florida home.  I spent many, many days as a youth on the beaches and bayous of Bay County.  So, it’s not that I had a great vacation and thought this would be the place to live.  No, for me it is deeper.  Honestly, I can’t really explain it.  It just “is”.

So now, within the next couple of weeks we will be moving to Panama City Beach.   As the swallows return to Capistrano, so this Lee is returning to Panama City.  But this isn’t something that just happened.  As with most things, God has taken years to work some of this out.  As I have said before, the weaving of our lives and experiences together is one of  God’s greatest miracles.  God, having worked all of this out eons ago, orchestrates our lives — not  only individually, but together, to form something that is at the same time exciting, wonderful, and if you are moving your family across the country — a bit scary.

I made another  move three years ago.  Sold my home etc etc and moved to Clarksville,  Tennessee to follow another dream. While that dream remains unfulfilled, there was something deeper at work.   As we do many times, we think we know what God is doing, but  often he has something else up his sleeve.  When I interviewed for the job that is taking me  to the Emerald Coast, they were very impressed by my last two years of work experience.  Before moving here I had worked in the same industry, but with a regional company.  It was good, but it wasn’t a major player.  Since moving here I have had the pleasure to work for an industry leader.  It was that experience that caught their eye. I truly believe that without that on my resume, this move might not have happened.

One of the reasons that I even applied for the job in Panama City was due to my wife losing her job.  At the time, I really didn’t think I would get a call.  I have been applying for 18 years with never a call back.  The administration changed at my wife’s  school two years ago. A new principal was brought in.  Honestly, if that principal had chosen to renew her contract this year we would’ve stayed in place.  But instead, the principal’s decision to cut her loose was actually  part of the plan.  Not that I wanted my wife to go through what she did. The principal was wrong in how she treated my wife, but that was part of the design. Sounds like one of those “working all  to your good” things.

Then there is Eastgate.  I have blogged about them before so I won’t belabor the point.   We “found” them at a time when we were really questioning certain things that we  had believed.  Again, not creed sorts of things, but  we were really asking some tough questions.  That was two years ago.  Since then they have become “the family with which we worship.”  Thanks to the invention of the web, we have spent our Sundays huddled around our computers, watching and worshiping.  I think they call us Cybergaters.  My wife and I often had conversations that went like this, “I don’t understand why God let us find Eastgate if  He’s not gonna let us go there.”  Thankfully, he is.  He always was.

There are other things, things that have yet to happen that God will have been setting up for years.  But it’s not just me.  Look at your own life.  You are part of that tapestry, your own life is woven in and through others.  Sometimes for good and sadly sometimes not.  But still, the Great Orchestrator of all does have a plan and it really is better than anything we could’ve hoped for or imagined.

I was talking to one of my Chef’s yesterday.  This gentleman is a wonderful chef, partly because of his Italian-Czechoslovakian heritage.  He was asking questions about our move and he said, “so I hear that you have been wanting this for over 18 years?”  I said yes something like that.  He then said, “well boss, it looks to me like your dreams are coming true.”   Our dreams are coming true.  I believe they are indeed.

June 25th, 2009 was a tough day for my generation.  Within the span of eight hours two of the most visible faces of a generation vanished into history.   People will talk, cry, accuse, eulogize,  demean, joke (gallows humor I guess), and well, do what I am doing.  As I sat last night watching MTV’s wall-to-wall  coverage of Michael Jackson’s death all I could think  was, “wow, I remember the first time I heard ……”

I remember when I found out that Elvis had died.  I was listening to 94Q -FM in Atlanta. Long before the day of the 24 news cycle — the DJ actually had to say, “I am not kidding, Elvis is dead.”  But I was only 16 or 17 when that King died, at least to my mind, I had my entire life ahead of me. Maybe that is why this has hit me be in such a weird way.

Now in my mid-40’s I wonder, exactly how much time do I really have left?    Life looks different this far along. Different things make me happy.  I don’t want what I did when I was a teenager running up and down the country roads of Pike County Georgia.  My dreams have changed, my hopes have morphed.

I heard a radio commentator say this morning that we American’s have a sick fascination  with death.  That may be true to a point, but I think the fascination is actually more with our own deaths, our own mortality, that nagging something that asks, “did I do all I could? ”  ”Did I let my fear of _____ keep me from doing ______?” ” How will I be remembered?” and my all time favorite, “Is this all there really is?”

This reminds me of “This Is Your Life ” by Switchfoot.  For those that need a refresher, the chorus says (sing along if you know it):

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Granted, not really what you want to hear when in a melancholy mood.  Still the questions have to be asked. It’s the answers that are hard, necessary —  but hard.

Peace

Here’s the story– wanted the job, interviewed three times for job, didn’t get job, really bummed.   Yep, six weeks of my life boiled down to 13 words.  Of course there is way more to the story, there always is isn’t there? Read my last post if you want to know the rest of the story.  I can’t believe this is the end.  I can’t believe that the God that I have believed in, the Lord that I have followed is a mean little kid.  How’s that?   I don’t think God is like the kid that gets pleasure from burning up ants with a magnifying glass.  I don’t believe He gets pleasure from playing keep away.  I don’t believe that our Savior is into playing mind games for the sake of showing us that he can do whatever he wants because he’s God.

I started this a couple of weeks ago.  So much has happened since then.  Here’s more of the story: (as I said) I  didn’t get the job, went on vacation to unwind, while on vacation saw same company was hiring same position in the town where I was vacationing (also the place I really wanted to live), called recruiter to advise of my interest, Recruiter had already sent my info to hiring manager (before I even knew job was available), received call to set up interview next morning (while standing in a bay where I had fished as a kid), interviewed that afternoon at the condo where I was staying (my commute to the interview was from the 19th floor to the 1st Floor), had one of the best interviews ever.   I don’t know how many words that was, but that’s a fairly honest retelling of what happened.  As of this writing I know that they are interviewing others for the same position, I was actually the first they met.

So what’s going on here?  A couple of things jump right out.  First, the end is never the end.  I thought my hope to relocate had been dashed, but time revealed another plan — one I couldn’t have written if I had tried.  Also, as Followers of Jesus, we will have no end.  Even if our body is killed, we have the promise that we will be with Jesus and then there is  the resurrection.   I have also been reading James 1 a lot.  I mentioned some verses from James in one of my other posts, but I love this part as well:

^5-8If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open. (The Message)

Ask boldly, without a second thought.  Well, let’s be honest — do you do that?  I know I don’t.  During this 6 weeks I think I am up to my 1098765 to the 19th power thoughts.  James ends this section with (basically) ” oh, and don’t hedge your bets either”.  Guilty as charged there too. The problem with waiting seems to be not in just the waiting.  What seems to bug us is the seeming lack of activity.  Somewhere deep in our cerebral core is this idea that the creator of the universe must need our help. Our senses think that nothing is happening — so bless God, we are going to give him a hand.  We have to be doing all we can do, we have to be available (which is code for doing all you can do). We have to make sure that every stone is overturned, every road is explored, every thought or whisper is parsed and discerned.  It’s almost as if God would be surprised to learn that we are broken, mistake prone creations in need of his constant help.

Ok, this is starting to ramble  so let me see if I can land this puppy.   What have I learned so far?  No matter where you are, it is not the end.  No matter how bleak it seems, God is still there — Aslan still roams about.  I don’t understand why life takes us down the roads that it does.  I don’t know why the God that said “enter in through the narrow gate” and “straight is the path” has to take us on such ….. interesting routes, but he does. Regardless of the path, regardless of the road, whether I get this job that I want or not — one truth remains; this is not the end.

Peace

I don’t know about you, but I hate to wait. I  always have.  It’s my dad’s fault I think, he HATES lines and waiting.  He blames it on the Air Force, always with the hurry up and wait.  I had my time in Air Force as well, and yes, it is maddening.   When I travel I have been known to take the long way around just to avoid some expected or perceived  delay.  My theory is at least I’m moving.  I know, I need help — Hi I’m John, I’m a waitaphobic.  

But actually, waiting is  intrinsically tied to the human experience.  We have to wait for everything. What child of the 60’s or reader of Ecclesiastes doesn’t know that everything has a time of preparation (…to everything turn, turn, turn,..there is a season….)  You would think that after 30 or 40 years of waiting I would be better at it.  But still, I want what I want and I want it now.  I feel like Paul when he wrote that he was guilty of doing things he knew were unhealthy or wrong.  I don’t want to fight the waiting. I know that at times it is necessary . Still I watch the clock, check the phone, search the calendar.  Like I said -professional intervention might be in order.

Right now, at this very moment I am waiting for a call.  Over the past three weeks I have been interviewing for a job in northwest Florida. This call would set up what should be the last of three interviews.   Moving to Florida is  something that my wife and I have been talking, praying and dreaming about for over 18 years, and filling up my blogs since I started writing (see my last entry and the title of my site for proof if needed).  Life has always led us down a path that, to this point, never included a permanent residence in Florida.  

So you can imagine how excited, frustrated, almost stressed we have been these past three week as we wait for the outcome.  And the questions that have run through our minds, oh the wacky questions: ” Why haven’t they called?”, “Doesn’t God know how much we have wanted this? Why would he let them call me in the first place if we weren’t going to get the job?”, and my all time favorite (this is a direct result of my past religious training) “Satan knows how much we want to live down there, maybe this is his way of giving us what we want and then wrecking our marriage .”   I told you — I needed professional help!

So what do you do?  Actually there is only one thing you can do and what’s that class?  Yes, you in the back, that’s right –I have to wait.  It’s funny, as I was typing this a verse came to my mind, James 1:7 -Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.(The Message)  Nothing deceitful, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle — He can be trusted, always trusted.   Feels like I need to stick in a  ”Selah” at this point so here you go,   Selah.

Hopefully the next thing I post will be about the trials and tribulations of moving or how my kids are ticked because I am moving them closer to the beach (they are evidently  made of a compound that melts when it comes  into direct contact with salt water), or how God really did answer our 18 years of prayer.  Of course, he already has.  Never deceitful, not two-faced or fickle — full of light.  Again, Selah.

Peace

I hate making decisions.  But what is life but one decision after another.  Here we stand again, having to make another life changing decision. A bit of back story is in order.

 My wife is a teacher.  Three years ago she had her contract non-renewed. She had been at the school for six years, it was private so there was no tenure.  They lobbed off the highest earning teachers, it was a money saving decision for them. Nothing personal, it was business.  ( I love what Meg Ryan says in You’ve Got Mail, ” …it is very personal to me!”).  Plus, we had become part of a small group of folks that were thinking about beginning a new christian fellowship.  Hopes were high, we were gonna change the world.  The leaders of this band of misfits relocated to another area and we debated loud and long about following them to assist with the fellowship.   I had a job, we owned a home and there were actually rumblings that the school might be able to rehire some of the released teachers.  There we stood, staring into the unknown, not really sure what to do.  

 The wife got a teaching  job the day before school started where our friends now lived.  So we sold our home (in a day actually), I quit my job and we relocated.  

Fast forward back to the present day and   we are basically in the same situation (well sort of).  My wife has again become one of the non-renewed.  Three years at the same school and now she’s out the door.  It’s a shame, they are losing a real teacher.  The hoped for “fellowship” never happened and we rarely if ever see our friends.  I have talked with lots of folks about this, and there is some validity to the idea that says”well you thought you were coming here for one reason, but evidently God had other things in mind.” Yet and still, the thing that brought us here isn’t happening.  We have no other connection to this place.  None.

So here we stand, again staring into our future.  We do have some ideas, but nothing is firm and there have been many more discussions, some loud — most long.  We have been trying to relocate to Northwest Florida for over 18 years. We love the area, we have found a church fellowship that we love, the whole place  feels like home.   Maybe this is the time to go.  I did get a call from a recruiter from the area, but still haven’t gotten that all important second call.  How do you convince someone that you are the answer to their need when you aren’t local?  It is a puzzle I have not yet solved.  How will the wife deal with her non-renewal, trying to convince a school to trust her after her employer chose to let her contract expire?  How do you pray about this?  Do you pray for what you want, what you think will make you happy?  Or do you just say “Lord, your will be done” — apply everywhere and hope something sticks?  Are we making it too hard?

Either way, here we stand.    Peace.

Over the last four days I have been immersed in the world of indoor  drum and percussion lines. Drummers and dancers, drummers being dancers (some of it made me think about the Sobe commercials with the football players doing ballet—-big guys with bass drums doing twirls and turns).   It is the “Sport Of The Arts” (as they say).  They are timed, they are judged .  They practice and practice and practice.  They run, they do push ups.  It’s insane.   As a drummer myself,  it was wonderful!! Especially seeing my youngest out there doing things with sticks and heads I have only dreamt of.  And isn’t it  cool how talents and tastes are passed on from one generation to the next.  Some might say that the reason he drums is because I drummed. There has always been music at our house (loud if Phyllis wasn’t around), and  for the majority of his life he has seen me drumming. Some would say that is why he is becoming a drumming master (said his dad).

 I disagree, it is something else. Something deeper and more important.  

My father could fix anything. I saw him take a dryer that should have been put out of it’s misery 5 years earlier and when it looked to be headed to the Great Kenmore Store in the sky he somehow nursed it back to life.  He could take wood and make beautiful cabinets or bookcases.  I was around him and  I still can’t be trusted with nails and hammer, let alone power tools.  Some things you can’t teach, some things just “are” .  But why?  

For me that is an easy answer, it’s part of the plan.  As the Creator of All sat back, looking at the tapestry where he would paint “human history” he thought, this part needs a ….. drummer or a singer or a mechanic or a mom or ……… Some things can be learned, but some things just are.  

My other son is songwriter, singer and guitar player.  I love to write, and somewhere there are tapes and records of me singing in school and college choirs.  Again, he is not interested in cars or doing manual labor (definitely got that from me), he wants to write and sing.  We never forced them to do any of this.  There were no obligatory piano  or voice lessons.  Some things just are.

My wife, the aformentioned Phyllis, is a teacher.  She has taught special education kids, she has taught military kids, she has taught in public  and private schools.  She will tell you teaching is her passion, that thing that she has to do.  To her it is a calling.  Recently the school where she has been teaching for 3 years decided not to renew her contract.  The reasons are not important, suffice it to say, she was dealt with unfairly.  But unfairness happens to us all. She has struggled. She has cried. She has doubted.  She has questioned this thing she always assumed was her calling.  None of this is wrong, all of it is normal.  

Yet the ultimate answer  for her, and the rest of us, remains the same, some things cannot be taught — they just are.  In my wife’s case, sure, there are schools that award teaching degrees.   But that love of learning, that patience that true teachers possess, that ability to take elephant size concepts and break them down into easily digestible pieces —   you can’t learn that, it just “is”. Her current position will be ending,  perhaps God decided another part of the painting needed more “teacher”.  We don’t really get to choose how we are being  used, only the Creator has the perspective of space and time to know when and  where our uniqueness is needed.   

So next weekend we get to do it all again.  Another drumline  competition. More twirling and dancing drummers.  I can’t wait to see it, the legacy that I am leaving behind, passed  to me by my mom who loved to sing and my  guitar playing grandfather.  It is too wonderful and difficult to figure out.

Some things just are.

 

peace

It’s 2009.  2009, I can’t believe it.  Actually I can, every time I try to get off the couch or bend down to tie my shoes — the reality of  2009 is made very, very real.  However, like I told a friend, “Aging is better than the alternative.”  

I spent New Year’s weekend with a friend who is going through a divorce.  Married 19 years, she never saw it coming.  One day her husband (who I count as one of my best friends) decided he “wanted to be single”.  He claims he wrote her a letter 2 year and 5 months ago informing of his desire to depart (can you say coward?) — but she only recently found the alleged letter in some of  his belongings.  He wants no intervention, no counseling, he claims he just wants to be single.  He goes on to intimate that God has given his heavenly okee dokey to the separation — God wants the hubby to be happy.  All I can say is “WHAT MADNESS!!!”   This odd turn of events has of course, devastated the wife.  He also is attempting to make her the bad guy.  While he claims he wants to stay friends, he asserts that her actions (nothing more than questions about what happened) are instead turning him into an enemy.  

All I can do is shake my head in disbelief and pray.  I have spent hours; lots and lots of hours with the both of them.  I met them both at a church we were visiting and our following of Christ was something we shared from the start.  He was a guitar player, I am a drummer — we actually have played together a bit.  But most of all, we just liked them because they just liked us.  Nothing fancy, just good ole fashion friendship.  Now, I don’t know — he wants everything and wants to leave her nothing (not that they have that much to split).  He has found another female to spend time with, claiming that their marriage is no longer valid — it’s just a piece of paper. All along I keep wondering, ‘where did my friend go? What happened?”  Sadly I have asked, but he will not answer. So it seems that I have started the year by losing a friend.  Hopefully, when 2010 comes around, I will have found him again.

Are we whacked in the head??  This is what I mean.  I have been reading lots of posts from seemingly intelligent fellow followers of Christ who are saying things along this line,”why, I sure wish God would bring some persecution to America — that’s what the church needs”, or “what we need is a real 1930’s type depression, then the church could be the church — that’s what we need –economic disaster”  What?  Huh?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

 

What is it about us that would make anyone think that what the world needs is some good ole wrath of God?  I thought we were supposed to pray for peace, I thought we were to be known by our love, I thought we were to be known as the ones that forgave when others mistreated us?  Did I miss a memo or something?? Can someone please explain it to me?

 

Persecution is here (only in America and the west do Christians roam about in relative safety), and sadly, the day of wrath will come soon enough.  But weren’t we told to work while it was still day — not pray for the night?  Those that say “ah some persecution and missing a few meals would be good for us — make us thankful for what we have” have somehow forgotten what Paul wrote of love — it always hopes for the best, believes the best, strives for the best.  It is that love that identifies us – nothing short will do.  peace

 

Wow, it has been a long while since I posted.  As with most bloggers, at times life takes you in other directions.  But I also think that writing and inspiration can be like a wave, it hits the beach with such force and then that power dissipates.  So much has happened — the continuation of the new job, a new President, our search for a home (tired of giving $$ to the landlord), and the continuing evolution of how I look at things. 

One thing  I do intend on blogging about is the importance of “authenticity”.  I have a dear friend that pastors a small church that is smaller now thanks to a split.  The worship band was offered a paying gig at a bigger church, took the offer and half the church went with them.  Well, my friend is wondering what to do with his decimated fellowship.  One suggestion is to kick off the new year with a big blow out re-introduction.  Kind of a “Here We Are — Try Us, You’ll Love Us ” thing.  And that would seem to make sense.  But……..

If you have read anything that I have ever written you know that I am a big fan of what Rob Woodrum and the fellowship he shepherds (Eastgate Fellowship in Panama City Beach) has done.  Rob would say that he really hasn’t had anything to do with the fellowship’s growth, but I disagree.  I think it is the very fact that Rob tries to subordinate himself, take the spotlight off of anything that they do, that has in fact made the difference.  If there is one thing that they seem to crave and covet at Eastgate it is “authenticity”.  And while I have learned that there is no template for church growth that really works everywhere (remember we are a body  not a machine), I think the idea of authenticity translates into any situation.

Also, I have been thinking about what it means to be a follower of Christ and an American.  This is what I mean, I know that I am to pray for the new president.  I want him to be successful and our country to be at peace.  But, it is likely that I will disagree with some of his policies.  What am I to do with that?? Where do my responsibilities lie, on both fronts?  For so long many of us have seen our Christianity and our American citizenship wrapped together, you can’t be one without the other.  I am struggling with this idea, this internal separation of Church and State (if it even exists). I plan on writing about this idea as well.

So, there you have it  – peace